Isn't It Dangerous to be a Penpal Encourager??

The number one question people ask Sabrina -- answered here! Dig into the nuts and bolts of safety and risk when you are corresponding with someone who is incarcerated.

http://prisoncare.org/community.html
Learn more about PrisonCare, Inc. and SUPPORT our work

Time Markers:
1:30 And the answer is...
4:00 Proximity and our sense of risk
6:00 Defined by that crime?
10:00 Clarity about YOUR purpose
11:00 The sense you get, and the boundaries you set
16:00 Misunderstandings happen, of course
18:00 A few safety tips
23:00 When a cause compels you


Intro/Outro MUSIC CREDIT: We've Come A Long Way (No Vocal Version) Exzel Music Publishing (freemusicpublicdomain.com) Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/

Transcript

Welcome to the PrisonCare Podcast!

I’m Sabrina Justison, founder of PrisonCare.org, equipping compassionate people to support the often-invisible people groups who make up a prison neighborhood - the inmate residents, correctional officers, staff, administration, and the families of all of these folks. 

Join me for this week’s episode, and be encouraged to think, care, and respond as we explore the challenges facing prison neighborhoods everywhere. 

Let’s support positive prison culture from the outside, because EVERYone on the inside matters. 


{ 0:47 }
Hello friends. I am so happy that you have tuned in to this episode of The PrisonCare Podcast. And we are going to talk about something that is one of the most common questions that I get. "Is it safe to write to someone who is incarcerated?"

Yeah, that's the one. I get it, like, all the time, over and over again, and I want to kind of unpack that question a little bit today, and then also try to answer it. And we're going to talk about what PrisonCare sort of puts forth as some best practices if you are going to be a Penpal Encourager and addresses some of the different ways that you can adapt the model so that it fits your personal needs for safety and for discernment, wisdom, all that stuff. 

All right, so first of all, simple answer to the question, "Is it safe to write to an incarcerated person?" 

Well, the answer is yes, and the answer is no.  Depends on who that person is, and what ends up happening...and there is no crystal ball. There's no way to guarantee that there will never be any negative fallout from your decision to write to an incarcerated person.  However, I'm going to say that that is also true of, "Is it safe to talk to someone in the grocery store?" "Is it safe to invite your new neighbors over for drinks on the patio next Thursday?" Oh my, do I dare even say, "Is it safe to use Tinder?" 

And like, yeah. So there's a lot of things that we do, like, you know, hookups through a dating app, that we're like, "Yeah. Well, I mean, it could be risky, but like, you know, you got to be smart the way you use it, right?"

And okay: a lot of things that are part of our normal lives carry risk with them. People are unpredictable. People are not who they appear to be sometimes. People can change. People can be suffering from mental illness that causes them, to really be, like, very different all of a sudden because of a psychotic episode.

There is risk if you're talking about any connection to people. And in our normal, daily life, our running errands, and our going out for entertainment, and going to restaurants, and furthering our careers, and meeting new people, and playing sports, and whatever the things are that we do, we accept a certain level of risk. It's okay, because it's calculated risk. We're thinking through the situation and saying, "Well, these are the potential benefits, and so I'm going to count the, you know, the risk as best I can, and I'm going to predict how dangerous this is and decide based on that."

So, the reason that I think that this question of, "Is it safe to be a Penpal Encourager with an incarcerated person?" the reason I think it is such a common go-to, as the first question that someone has when they hear about PrisonCare, I think it comes down to proximity again, interaction with anything to do with a prison. 

{ 4:00 } It's not something that is a normal part of most of our lives. And meeting new people, and deciding to go meet them at a restaurant and get to know them a little bit better, that IS a normal part of our lives, right? Creating new friendships, deciding to date someone, you know, deciding to go to a place you've never been before and to figure out how to navigate a new place that has, you know, risks that you're not accustomed to dealing with...all of that is a part of our normal lives. We do it literally every day, but we don't interact with people in a prison neighborhood every day, unless we live in one or we work in one. They're just not something that we bump up against very often, and so that lack of proximity makes it seem like some very distinct, separate thing that has all this risk associated with it. 

Now before you get on me, and roll your eyes, and say, "But Sabrina, these are all people who have been arrested for breaking the law, and have been tried in the courts and sentenced to time in prison, okay? So, these are not just like, random people who might be bad guys. These ARE bad, guys." And that's where I would challenge you to dig just a little deeper than that. 

There's a sense in which, yes, you are absolutely right. Therefore, no, it is not safe to engage with them, right? I started this by saying the answer is yes. And the answer is no. So the answer is, no, because that's correct: you are engaging in correspondence with someone who is, on paper, "a bad guy."    

{ 6:00 }

But think that through just a little bit more carefully. You know that this person is a bad guy because you know what they were convicted of. And there are some people who choose their penpal relationships based on what the penpal's conviction was for. There's some people who say, "I don't want to write to anyone who's been convicted of a violent offense."  And I think that that is a perfectly reasonable choice to make if that's how you're wired, and that's what you feel is best for you. If you use your discernment, your wisdom, and you say, "I just don't want to introduce somebody into my life who I know is capable of violence, because they've done it in the past, and they were caught." That's very understandable. That's part of the personal and flexible nature of the PrisonCare model. You can be a Penpal Encourager and you don't HAVE to be a Penpal Encourager to just anyone. You can choose to correspond with people in a lower level security.  prison where violent offenders are much less likely to be in the first place.

And you can also look up on the inmate locator web site -- every state has one, attached to their Department of Corrections, as a way to look up a prison inmate based on their inmate number, their d.o.c. number. And it won't say what they were convicted of, but you will see what their sentence was, and that will give you a really good clue as to whether this was a crime of violence or not. You can also Google their name if you want to know what they did. And you can also ask them what they did. That's not a part of our best practices, okay. I typically say that that is not a way to start a relationship with somebody, and in general, it's not. But if you have a firm rule that you don't want to be corresponding with someone who's been convicted of a violent crime, then it's okay to tell them that up front, and say, "I would rather not investigate you. I would rather just tell you that this is how I feel.  And if you want to write back to me and either tell me what you did or, you know, point me in the direction that will let me know, that that's not the case, that's fine. And if you don't, either because you were convicted of a violent crime, or because you don't want to be corresponding with somebody who has that that boundary in place, then just don't reply." That's a, that's a very honest, very upfront way to handle it. And that's okay, if that's what you want to do. 

But even for people who have been convicted of violent crimes, the question comes down to whether you are seeing them as defined by that violence, or whether you are open to the possibility that there were a whole lot of factors that led them to violence at that point in time. That they are trying to become a different person, someone who would not ever do that thing again, and that they are responding to the offer of a Penpal Encourager, which is a different kind of penpal, a different kind of relationship. They're looking for somebody who's going to be a voice of encouragement and mentoring, and healthy, good challenge in their lives, who's going to help them become a better person...and they're asking for that kind of penpal. Believe me, it's, it's a lot.   There's a much greater supply of the other kind of penpals out there, the kind of sleazy side of prison pen pals, you know? Those are really easy to come by.

{ 10:00 }
So, getting a penpal encourager, you're asking somebody to speak life and health and wisdom into your days through their letters.  And it is possible that someone who's doing that did something violent in the past and has already reached the point in their rehabilitative process where they've said, "I don't want to be that person anymore. I am not living that way now, and I realize that I'm going to need healthy, good, nonviolent people in my life to help me continue to grow in this way, to become something different when it comes to violence.    

So yeah, there's risk involved. But there's also a whole lot of hope, and there's not necessarily nearly as much risk as you might think.    

{ 11:00 }
You will get a sense pretty quickly from your incarcerated penpal as to whether they are taking this thing seriously, this Penpal Encourager relationship, seriously. There's a tone and an attitude in their letters. There's a humility. There is a  sense of gratitude. There is no fawning, there's no flattery. There's no bragging and boasting. There is a tone of something...Golly, I wish I had a great word for it! But there's a tone of something good in a person who's really working on themselves.  

Now, I know that there are people who would disagree with me, and would say that narcissists and manipulators can fake that really easily, and so I don't actually have any idea what the person who's writing to me is like, whether they are honestly humble and open, and seeking, and working hard, and all that stuff. And that's true.  But narcissists and manipulators, they they lie and manipulate for a reason. It's to get something that they want. There's, there's always a game being played, right?  The only things that a Penpal Encourager is offering, they're things that don't appeal to somebody who's playing games. And, and here's why. You're offering encouragement and challenge. You're offering letters that are centered around a virtues based vocabulary, where you're looking to help this person build character and increase positivity in the environment around them. 

So you are not just feeding into their desire to complain and be validated in all of their complaints. You're not just saying, "Oh, you poor thing! It is awful that they expect that of you, and that they talk to you that way." And so you're not stroking their ego. That way, you're not consoling their self-pity, or whatever. That way you are offering them an encouraging positive audience. But that's it. 

So, if you look at our best practices at PrisonCare, Incorporated, there are some pretty basic things that we suggest you adopt, right from the beginning, as boundaries that you don't cross. If your penpal asks you to put money on their books, the answer is no.   If your penpal asks you to contact people on the outside on their behalf, the answer is no.  If your penpal asks you to come and visit them in person, the answer is no. If your penpal asks you to, I don't know, do anything other than, "Please continue writing to me. I really look forward to your letters," then the answer is no.

You limit this relationship to being a Penpal Encourager. This is not, like, the rule for the universe. You can do whatever you want to do. I'm just telling you that this is one of the ways that being a Penpal Encourager can be less risky, because you are corresponding with someone that you have not known before and who is incarcerated. But there's a lot of safety that comes from those very simple boundaries. No, I'm not putting money on your books. No, I'm not coming to visit. You know? I'm not contacting people on the outside for you. No, I'm not doing anything else that seems a little odd to me. I'm sending you letters of encouragement. I'm getting to know you, and I'm cheering for you is I hear you working on good things in your life, self improvement, improvement in the lives of people around you, I'm going to cheer for you, and I'm going to laugh at funny stories you tell me. And I'm going to let my heart break a little bit when you tell me something sad and hard, but that's what I'm doing. That's what I'm here for. I'm here to be a Penpal Encourager. 

That's where a lot of the problem is. We hear about the stories that make the news, and they're the ones where a manipulator sucks somebody in, you know? They've got all this time when they're incarcerated, right? They've got all this time to watch and scheme and plot, and so, they lure somebody in and first, it's this, and then it's a little bit more, and then it's a little bit more, and it's a process, and it's progressive.   And all of that is possible for people who begin corresponding with someone who's in prison. 

{ 16:00 }

But here's the thing: if, from the beginning, you have decided that that's not what you're there for, you're not there to just let this relationship develop as it will, willy-nilly, you are going in in a role of a Penpal Encourager, and there are a whole bunch of limits to what that looks like. You are there for a purpose. There's a lot of safety in that, friends. There's a lot of safety in that.  So I would just encourage people who have thought about being a Penpal Encourager, but who have felt that, "Is this a safe thing to do?" to realize that the the greatest safety comes in knowing WHY you're doing it, and in setting good boundaries for yourself. Spell them out in a letter if you need to. 

I have had occasions where I've just said to somebody, "I apologize if my last letter sounded flirtatious to you. I'm a very friendly person, and maybe that sounded like I was flirting, but I wasn't.  I want to be your Penpal Encourager, but I do not want to flirt with you, and I am asking that you don't flirt with me." Period. That's, you know...and it feels awkward when you write it, but I haven't had it received badly. It doesn't happen all the time. The vast majority people I write to are not flirting, but there's been a couple times when I've had to tell somebody No, and they've been all over themselves with, "I am so sorry I misunderstood! I feel really stupid. I understand if you don't want to write to me anymore." And I said, "No, let's just talk about something else." And I change the subject, and it's forgotten, and we move on, and they don't do it again. So there could be misunderstandings, but if you're really clear inside your own head on what your boundaries are, what you're doing this for, there's a whole lot of safety in that. 

Additionally, there are some very simple things. You do not have to give out your address.  You can rent a PO Box, and it is not very expensive, especially if you have a Compassion Team, and there are a few of you that are going to be Penpal Encouragers. Share a PO Box and have all the letters come in that way.


{ 18:00 }

That is not a guarantee of anything, because, you guys, we have the internet. There is no guarantee of living hidden away from anyone who actually wants to find you. So, I'm not gonna pretend like that is not a risk. Yes, there could be someone I write to who gets out, who decides to come and find me and track me down, even if I used a PO Box, even if I used my first name and middle name as the name on my return address rather than using my surname. You can't really hide the way the world is anymore with the internet. Your name is just out there in so many different places that people can find you if they I want to try. 

But that's true with everything. Right? You meet people who are up to shenanigans, were up to no good. Any number of times over the course of a year, you encounter people who could be dangerous, you encounter people that you recognize as dangerous. Those are people who can find you if they really put their minds to it.  

So, I suggest the PO Box, I suggest using, you know, perhaps choosing not to use your last name on your return address on your envelopes. You have to, you have to put your name, but you don't have to use your surname, and I suggest that to people. I think that it is an extra layer of safety. I also think that it is a layer of safety when you tell people that you are a part of a Compassion Team that is writing to incarcerated people in their facility. Let them know that this is not just you doing this. This is not you feeling lonely and establishing relationships with penpals to try to deal with your loneliness. No, this is, this is a thing that people on the outside are recognizing needs to happen, that prisons need to not be forgotten and overlooked. But instead, they need to be supported by compassionate people from the outside.

And especially if you have a shared PO Box, you can have people address the letters to your name, but then, underneath that, PrisonCare Compassion Team, PO Box such-and-such, city, state, ZIP code, right? And then it's adding almost like the name of your company on there. You can make it very clear by using the PrisonCare name in all of this, that you are in this to be a Penpal Encourager. And then you're not sending a mixed message to anybody. You're making it clear that there are boundaries, that you you have set them, and that you are going to hold to them. 

{ 21:00 }

The final thing that gives you a little bit of protection, is the fact that your prison doesn't have to be local. So you can choose to adopt a prison that is not anywhere in your geographical area. Again, that's not a perfect solution to anything, you know like the PO Box,  but distance is helpful, because sometimes as people are approaching their re-entry date, and they're going to be getting out, they may ask you for connection to resources in the area, if they know that you're local. And there could be questions asked that you would need to say no to, you know? As far as  whether you're going to provide re-entry support for them. And that's not your job; that's not your relationship.  You came into this to be a Penpal Encourager, and to help people deal with personal growth and rehabilitation while they're serving their sentences. If you are not even local to the area, that gives you a really quick out. You don't have to have any discomfort if someone is approaching their re-entry date and they are are asking about connecting with you on the outside. You just say, "I'm sorry, I don't even know what's available, you know? I could Google something and tell you what I find, but I'm not around because I don't live there."   


So that's just a few things. I'm not trying to give the impression that there's not risk associated with being a Penpal Encourager. There is a degree of risk associated in any human interaction. And when you're talking about interacting with people who are serving a prison sentence, yeah, there's another layer of risk there, but it is not the degree of risk that a lot of people are assuming. And that's because a lot of people don't have any proximity to prison neighborhoods.  This is what gives us context, gives us the ability to reasonably discern whether we're at great risk or not, whether we're putting ourselves in danger or not.

{ 23:00 }

So, I would just encourage you not to let that question be the only one that you ever think about, and it just shuts down the process. And you say, "I just think it would be risky. I'm not doing that!" There are ways, ways to minimize the risk. 

And there are also times in your life when you decide to take a calculated risk, because you feel so strongly about something being important. And that's been the case with me. I feel so strongly about the importance of this, that I am willing to take some carefully discerned, wisely chosen risks.  Because I believe in investing in people who appear to be trying to do the work of rehabilitation.  So those are my thoughts on the big question. "Is it safe to have an incarcerated person for whom you are a Penpal Encourager?"

The answer is yes and no. And I hope that my reasons were helpful to you in thinking through your reasons, your pros and cons, and what kind of boundaries would be healthy boundaries for you to set going into a Penpal Encourager relationship.  

I appreciate you caring enough to even ask the question, to even wonder about it, because that means you're thinking about prison neighborhoods and the people who live in them. I hope that you are continuing to talk with friends and family, with strangers in the line at the grocery store, with anyone who will give you a few moments. And I hope that you're encouraging them to think about the people who live in prison neighborhoods. If you want to learn more, you can email me Sabrina@prisoncare.org. You can visit the website. You can follow us on Facebook or Instagram, or Twitter or YouTube or LinkedIn, and you can get to know more and more about the PrisonCare mission and how we are walking it out. And you can become a part of it. You can find out how to become financially involved. You can become a recurring monthly donor via PayPal, if you want to be committed to, you know, even anything! Two dollars a month! you can set that up as a recurring gift, and guess what? That's 24 dollars by the end of the year that we are able to put into creating free resources for people who want to support positive prison culture from the outside.   So many wonderful ways to be involved in the PrisonCare model. Thank you for listening, and thank you friends for caring.     

Thanks for listening to The PrisonCare Podcast. Be sure to visit us at prisoncare.org.
PrisonCare: equipping compassionate people to support positive prison culture from the outside, because everyone on the inside matters.




http://prisoncare.org/community.html
Learn more about PrisonCare, Inc. and donate to our work

Time Markers:



Intro/Outro MUSIC CREDIT:
We've Come A Long Way (No Vocal Version)
Exzel Music Publishing (freemusicpublicdomain.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0
http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/

 ---   End of transcript   ---