Virtues-Based Language - What, Why, and How

Join Sabrina for this exploration of the power of virtues-based language. More than simply "writing letters," a pen-pal encourager is a voice of truth, hope, and support in the life of an incarcerated person...and HOW those words get chosen is important. Take a listen, and learn to make some subtle changes in vocabulary that will increase your positive impact in a prison neighborhood!

Time Markers

2:00 When Somebody Says, “I See What You Did”

6:00 Virtues-Based Language is NOT Actually Hoity-Toity

8:15 Getting Started When You Don’t Know Each Other Well Yet

11:00 Turning the Conversation Toward Virtues and Good Character

14:00 R-E-S-P-E-C-T

16:00 When Your Pen-Pal is Frustrated? Validate, then Remind

18:00 When They’re Super Hard on Themselves

20:10 It Becomes a Habit, and It’s Not Just About Writing Letters

25:00 Ways to Get Involved That You Might Not Have Considered

Intro/Outro MUSIC CREDIT:
 We've Come A Long Way (No Vocal Version)
 Exzel Music Publishing (freemusicpublicdomain.com)
 Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0
 http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/

Transcript

Welcome to the PrisonCare Podcast!

I’m Sabrina Justison, founder of PrisonCare.org, equipping compassionate people to support the often-invisible people groups who make up a prison neighborhood - the inmate residents, correctional officers, staff, administration, and the families of all of these folks. 

Join me for this week’s episode, and be encouraged to think, care, and respond as we explore the challenges facing prison neighborhoods everywhere. 

Let’s support positive prison culture from the outside, because EVERYone on the inside matters. 

http://prisoncare.org/community.html

Learn more about PrisonCare, Inc. and donate to our work

Time Markers

2:00 When Somebody Says, “I See What You Did”

6:00 Virtues-Based Language is NOT Actually Hoity-Toity

8:15 Getting Started When You Don’t Know Each Other Well Yet

11:00 Turning the Conversation Toward Virtues and Good Character

14:00 R-E-S-P-E-C-T

16:00 When Your Pen-Pal is Frustrated? Validate, then Remind

18:00 When They’re Super Hard on Themselves

20:10 It Becomes a Habit, and It’s Not Just About Writing Letters

25:00 Ways to Get Involved That You Might Not Have Considered

Intro/Outro MUSIC CREDIT:
  We've Come A Long Way (No Vocal Version)
  Exzel Music Publishing (freemusicpublicdomain.com)
  Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0
  http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/

========================

Hello Sabrina here. And it is my pleasure to speak to such a wonderful, compassionate, intelligent listeners!

Yeah, I poured it on a little bit thick here at the beginning of the episode, but that's because sometimes we need to hear how wonderful we are, and we need to have our character affirmed. Right? 

Compassion is a hard thing to provide for people, and it's wonderful when somebody notices that we’re being compassionate. And oh my goodness, to be called brilliant! I mean, who doesn't want to be called brilliant, right? 

It does something for us when people build us up with their words, I'm not talking about empty flattery. I'm not talking about manipulative compliments.  I'm definitely not talking about a focus on the shallow, the surface, the, “Wow. Your hair is amazing,” kind of compliments. Okay? 

(2:00) I’m talking about when people recognize the hard work that we're doing internally. When people recognize that we're giving deep thought to things. When people recognize that we're looking for ways to be positive light in the world, to bring goodness into situations that are lacking in goodness. 

It is really helpful when somebody notices that and puts it into words.  When somebody says, “I see that thing that you did that hardly anybody noticed because people were in too big a hurry. I noticed, and I think that that was awesome that you did that.”

There's a whole lot of criticism in our world. There's way too much criticism in our world, probably! And that doesn't mean that we shouldn’t be applying critical thinking skills. That's a different kind of criticism. That's discernment. Okay? But I'm talking about, like judgey, obnoxious criticism. You know, “I don't like you, because you disagree with me, and so you're stupid, because you said something that I don’t think is the way it really is. My opinion is different than yours, therefore I have no time for you, and no use for you.” There's way too much of that in the world. 

There's very little of people seeing each other, and seeing the hard work that we're doing as humans, that we're actually trying to build community, that we’re actually trying to learn to respect ourselves to accept our limitations, but also to flourish in our strengths. And that we want everyone to thrive.

Those moments when we're turning away from zero sum game, and when we're saying, “No, I want what is going to be good for all of us in this situation, and I'm willing to invest in an effort to do that, to make this a win for everyone involved.” We all need that. 

Now, let's talk about how much that is needed within the context of a prison neighborhood.

Within a prison, there's a whole lot of room for correction. I mean, heck, it's the Department of Corrections, right? And so, for people who are incarcerated, they are being corrected all day long, every day. There are a lot of rules. There are a lot of rules, and the attempt to follow all of those rules can be very wearing, even if you're not really that angry about most of them. It’s just a lot. 

It's a lot of details, and they're being enforced by a lot of different people. So, different staffers have very slightly different application for all of these many rules, and where on one day it may not be an issue that you're, I don't know, wearing your white T-shirt, and on another day it might be an issue, or with a different officer it might be an issue, that could be very wearing. There's a lot of Correction, there's a lot of criticism, there's a lot of being told that you're doing something wrong.

There’s not a whole lot of being told that you're doing something right.  There's not a lot of positive feedback, and that is where penpal encouragers come in so beautifully. 

In the PrisonCare model a penpal encourager is one of the strongest voices of positivity, of positive feedback in the life of an incarcerated individual. Now, It's tricky, because you're writing to someone you don't really know all that well, in many cases.  And looking for ways to build them up especially in the first few exchanges of letters back and forth can be a little challenging. Once you've known somebody for longer, it's much easier to notice things in stories that they're telling you and to build them up. 

(6:00) But getting started with this is what we're going to talk about today and, and a little bit about how to build on it later, too. So we talk at PrisonCare about using virtues based vocabulary, which is a mouthful, and it sounds kind of hoity-toity, and it's not at all! What it boils down to is paying attention to the character that someone is exhibiting, the quality of their character, paying attention to that, and then putting into words the good things that you've noticed. 

There is a thing that my son J, who is serving a prison sentence, something that he says. It’s kind of a motto in his life, and I think I've shared it on the podcast more than once probably. But it bears repeating. He has learned to say to himself, “Well, circumstances being what they are, and me being who I choose to be…”  And then finishes the sentence.

This is the way he makes decisions about what he's going to be involved in and what he's going to say no to, about who he's going to let in to be a voice of influence in his life, and who he's going to keep at arm's length.  “Circumstances being what they are and me, being who I choose to be.”

When we have a pen pal who is inside a prison,  they are living in circumstances that are not ideal. These are not circumstances they would have chosen, right? “Circumstances being what they are.” They're limited in the random acts of kindness that they can perform. They’re limited in the hard work that they can put forth to impress a boss, if they have a job. They’re limited in a whole lot of ways.  

But where they're not limited is in a commitment to personal growth as a human being, in the cultivation of good character, solid character. And these are things that we can cheer for as penpal encouragers. These are things that we can reinforce, that we can make stronger by noticing and by putting it into words. 

(8:15) Okay. So let's go to this first couple of letters back and forth with someone new that you’re corresponding with. You don't know them very well. They haven't told you very many stories yet. You're really just kind of getting to know each other, but you want to lay a groundwork from the very beginning using virtues-based vocabulary.  

And so, what that means is, if they have filled out a questionnaire about their interests and they've said that they are interested in dogs, and you're writing your first letter to them, and you're saying, “So, I see from your questionnaire that you are interested in dogs. Tell me more about that. I like dogs, I have a dog, I had a dog when I was growing up.” Whatever. Throw something in there that gives you a point of personal connection, if you can do that honestly.

But then say, “Tell me more about at that.” Don't ask yes or no questions. Instead communicate to your new pen pal, right from that first letter, that you would like to hear them. tell their story.  You are hoping that they are going to share their heart with you, even on something as small as dogs. If you just ask somebody, “So, what's your favorite breed of dog?” they're going to give you information, right? It can be a one word answer. But if, instead, you say, “Tell me more about that!”  Now, you're saying, “I want to learn about you.” 

That is an open-ended question, and it communicates, on a subtle level, it communicates to this new person in your life that you think that they have value, that something about them, something that they're going to share of themselves with you, that that has value to you, that it matters to you that you hear their stories, and that you hear the “Why?” of the interest in dogs. So don't ask for information, open the door for story. Show interest in your penpal as a person.  

“Tell me more about that.” Okay, that's a really great phrase that leads to the development of a relationship that then can really focus on personal growth and character.  Once you've gotten a little bit more information, a little bit more of your penpal’s story, things that they are ready to begin sharing with you, you're going to hear whether or not, they liked school, whether they're a reader now, whether they're involved in any programming at the prison that they're in, whether they have a job, those kinds of things. Open the door, just a little bit further. 

(11:00) Now, for you to turn the focus of your correspondence, toward the building of virtues, the building of good character within their lives! Okay, for example, if someone says that they work on the  assembly line in the kitchen, okay? They’re kitchen crew. Then you can respond instead of with, “Wow, that must be hard work, or that must be boring work that, or do you like working in the kitchen?” That’s okay…that’s moving a little bit more toward learning about them as a person, right? Their why’s. But why not frame it first with, “Wow, you work in the kitchen! It is a wonderful thing that you are helping feed all the people in your prison neighborhood. There would be a whole lot of hungry people, if it weren't for you doing what you're doing.”  

And then ask them, “So, do you like working in the kitchen? Or, is it a really early day when you work in the kitchen? And how does that work out for you — are you a morning person or a night person?” You can then take it into something lighter, and something more personal, and something that's more normal conversation, right? But begin by affirming, "You have value. You have worth. You matter. What you are doing is a good thing. You are bringing something good into your prison neighborhood, into the world at large by doing what you do, by working in the kitchen.”

Is that a little over the top? Oh yeah. It's absolutely a little over the top! But guess what? It's so desperately needed. It's okay that it's a little bit over the top, because this is someone who is getting so little positive feedback in their lives that they need for you to be a little cheesy, they need for you to call out those character traits, and that evidence of good fruit in their lives. 

They need that called out so desperately, that even if they chuckle because you're a little cheesy, it still, it speaks to something inside them that is probably so dried up from drought, that they're afraid it's just going to die.

We all need that positive affirmation in our lives. We all need to be encouraged to do hard things. To go the extra mile. To be the bigger person. To stick with something and show discipline and perseverance, rather than being lazy. 

As your pen pal gets to know you even a little bit more, and tells stories about things that happen in the course of their day in the facility, you have a fantastic opportunity to choose virtues-based vocabulary to respond.

(14:00) The first word that I encourage penpal encouragers to use regularly is RESPECT. If you can say, “Wow, I really respect the way you handled that.” Or, “I respect how much you say you miss your kids; that shows that your heart is really for them, even though you're not able to be physically present with them right now.”  “I respect the way you were honest with your cellie without losing your temper.”  

Whatever it is that they have told in their story that makes you think, “Oh, wow, okay. That was decent of you.” Tell them that, and use the word RESPECT. I respect that. 

Another great word to use is APPLAUD. And again, it's a little cheesy. Oh, yeah! But that's okay. So when somebody tells you something that they did, that you think it's clear that they were proud of it, they're communicating that they feel good being able to tell you this about themselves, then say, “Wow. You finished your 7 Habits on the Inside class? I applaud you for that accomplishment! That was a lot of reading, and that was a lot of Discussion Group time, and that was a lot of writing. I applaud your efforts!” You can make it more lighthearted and silly, and you can say, “I'm reading your letter, and I'm sitting here clapping for you!” Give them a visual, an image of you cheering for their accomplishments. If they already feel a little bit proud of it, and they are being brave enough to show you that, to tell you that, clap for them, clap alongside them, cheer for them! 

(16:00) They need that when they write to you about something that's been really miserable. They're really angry about something, or they're really frustrated about something. You'll get a lot of frustration as people talk about being on waiting lists for programming or for transfers. They have been promised things that the never seemed to happen, waiting and waiting and waiting for visits from family who are not ready yet to reconcile and visit. 

Frustration is a really common thing, and virtues-based vocabulary will allow you to validate the way they're feeling, which lets them know that it matters that they're frustrated. It matters that they're angry. Their feelings are legit. They have a right to feel that way, but you can then stack onto that validation the encouragement to have enough self-respect, and respect for others to handle it well. To face the anger squarely but not to be controlled by it. To be honest about the frustration, but not then take it out on everybody around them. 

So, for example, you can say, “You told me that you got passed over on the incentive program again, and I am so sorry to hear that. You must be feeling incredibly frustrated. I hope that you are able to find positive ways to spend your time in the next few days. I hope that you find things to do that matter to you, to remind yourself that you're still doing great work, and you are still moving forward, and there are still reasons to hope, even if you're not in the incentive program yet that you were hoping for.”

Cast that vision of forward movement in their lives, of relentless forward progress in their lives.  At the same time, don’t, you know, you don't have to over-Pollyanna-it, where it's like, “Oh, don’t worry about it. You'll get in another time.” You know, first say, “Wow, that is so disappointing. You must be so frustrated. I really hope that you're able to find some things to do in the coming days that remind you of all the stuff you're good at, that remind you of all the hard work that you've already accomplished.  

(18:00) When somebody talks about one of their not-so-great character traits, right? Maybe they have a quick temper, maybe they're very impatient. Validate the humanity in that, okay? 

Sometimes people who are incarcerated have picked up habits of being extremely hard on themselves, of walking around with such a weight of shame that they are just relentless in their criticism of themselves. And if you catch that kind of tone coming out of your penpal's letters, don't just talk them out of it. You won't be able to anyway! Don't TRY to talk them out of it .

But, instead, counter it with something factually based, right? For example, somebody says, “I'm just still so impatient. I hate waiting for things and I guess I just am that way, you know?”

Then say, “It sounds like it's really hard for you to wait for things. But I've noticed that you've been continuing to show up for weight training three times a week with your workout buddy. And you know, actually you're demonstrating patience there, because muscles don't grow overnight, right? So, like, you're sticking with it, and you're plugging away, and you're working out three times a week with your weightlifting buddy. So, you actually are maybe more patient than you're giving yourself credit for!”

Okay? There you go. You didn't tell them, “Oh, come on now you're not that bad, you know, don't be so hard on yourself!” 

You're saying, “Okay, you feel that way about yourself, but I see this, and here's evidence that it's maybe not quite as bad as you're painting it. That maybe you're not quite as bad as you're painting yourself out to be.”

(20:00) Do you have to work a little bit to find ways to say these things? Yeah, you do. You’ve got to think about it, but once you kind of dabble in it for a few letters, you start just thinking that way very naturally, very easily. And it becomes a habitual response to hear what your pen pal is saying, to validate how they're feeling, so they’re not shamed for feeling the way they feel, but then to point out something else, a different perspective on the same thing, or something else that they told you about themselves in the past that paints a different picture, that paints a more hopeful picture, that paints a more…a picture that's filled with admiration, right? 

People who are incarcerated do not feel like anyone admires them. Much of the time, they have a hard time respecting themselves. And they don't feel respected by very many people around them. 

When you're a penpal encourager, you're not just a penpal, you are a penpal encourager, and you have the opportunity to speak those words of hope, those words of affirmation, admiration, celebration when you're cheering for somebody and applauding them.   

You can strengthen those bits of character within them that might just kind of sputter out and die like, you know, a spark, but it never catches and it never really starts to flame. You can fan that into flame with virtues-based vocabulary. 

So, if you would like some more ideas, phrases, words, ways to use certain words, that will help you learn to write more in this way, where you're really building into somebody's character work and their personal growth, there is a free PDF at PrisonCare.org. that is Virtues Based vocabulary.   You can download it, and you can just lift ideas for sentences and phrases right off the page, and you can start working them into your letters.  

Please remember that what you are doing when you are a penpal encourager…it is not just about writing letters to somebody. It is about being a voice of hope and encouragement in their lives. It's about providing a relationship for them with someone who is not battling the toxic culture of a prison all day long, every day. And it's a limited relationship; it’s absolutely a limited relationship, but that's okay. It’s a positive relationship. It's a relationship that can offer mentoring and healing. It can offer friendship, even if it is limited in the way, it can be lived out. It's a real relationship. 

And that's why I'm saying never fall into just empty flattery, shallow compliments, insincerity. Never go the insincere route. Be straight, be honest, but recognize the power you have to speak hope. To speak life into somebody who is serving a prison sentence. 

If you'd like more information about how to become a penpal encourager, there are PDFs at prisoncare.org that will help with that as well, and, as always, our PDF resources are free. They will always be free. 

There are also Mental Wellness Resources there. If you are in correspondence with someone who is serving a prison sentence, and they sound like maybe they would like to learn some new communication skills, they would like to improve their ability to communicate with different kinds of people…maybe they're trying to reconcile with someone on the outside, and it's hard to figure out how to talk to them on the phone when they have phone calls. Maybe they're struggling with a cellie that they're not getting along with…whatever it might be, if it sounds like maybe they would like to practice some better communication skills and get a little coaching on that, there is a Mental Wellness Resource on “Improving Communication.” It is one of our most regularly requested titles from people who are on the inside, and I would love for you to download that, print it off, stick it in an envelope, and send it off to your pen pal. Maybe it will be a real tool for life for them.  

There will be more Mental Wellness Resources being created and made available to you in the coming months. If you have a title that you would like to see, or that your penpal has expressed an interest in, oh, please let me know. Shoot me an email. Sabrina@prisoncare.org, and we will see if we can get something into the library that will be a help.

(25:00)

And if you would like to be involved in other ways, if you would like to start a Compassion Team, maybe you have adopted a prison independently, just as an individual, and maybe you're thinking, “Yeah, you know what? I'm ready to pitch this to my church. I think there might be some people there, who would like to get involved.” Or, “I'm going to pitch this to some of our extended family. I think some of the older folks in our family who are retired and have some time on their hands, I think maybe they would really be into this.”

“I'd like to put together a team, you know. I am connected to college students, colleges, universities.” That's a really, really great place to pitch the mission of PrisonCare, Inc.  Those young minds that are right on the brink of adulthood and launching into their careers, and all the things they're going to do that are going to change the world, because, I mean, let's face it. That’s the next generation coming up. They are going to change the world right there, going to be the decision makers and the policymakers going forward. So, pitch the beauty of the mission of PrisonCare to them. 

No more “Us versus Them,” no more zero-sum game. We need to reduce the toxicity in the system. 

If we are going to continue to have staff that we can retain in facilities, if people are going to be able to do their whole career in Corrections, then we have to provide a better place for them to work, right? And one of the best ways to do that is to support self-respect and respect for one another inside a prison neighborhood. 

So if you're connected to college students, cast a little vision for them, send them to prisoncare.org. 

And of course, we are a 100% compassionate person supported 501(c)(3), nonprofit organization. So you can always get involved as a financial supporter, and you can also do that, all on the prisoncare.org website. 

Thanks for listening. Thanks for considering tweaking your vocabulary and incorporating more virtues-based vocabulary. And thank you, most of all, for caring.

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Thanks for listening to The PrisonCare Podcast. Be sure to visit us at prisoncare.org.

PrisonCare: equipping compassionate people to support positive prison culture from the outside, because everyone on the inside matters.

Time Markers

2:00 When Somebody Says, “I See What You Did”

6:00 Virtues-Based Language is NOT Actually Hoity-Toity

8:15 Getting Started When You Don’t Know Each Other Well Yet

11:00 Turning the Conversation Toward Virtues and Good Character

14:00 R-E-S-P-E-C-T

16:00 When Your Pen-Pal is Frustrated? Validate, then Remind

18:00 When They’re Super Hard on Themselves

20:10 It Becomes a Habit, and It’s Not Just About Writing Letters

25:00 Ways to Get Involved That You Might Not Have Considered

Intro/Outro MUSIC CREDIT:
  We've Come A Long Way (No Vocal Version)
  Exzel Music Publishing (freemusicpublicdomain.com)
  Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0
  http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/